Close Your Eyes and Swing

I knew there was no escape, not this time. In a choice between fight and flight, the options were most definitely, and irreversibly, limited. How did this situation happen so quickly? Although, I suppose this was always only a matter of time before something like this happened.

 

“Coward”. That’s the word that’s always been with me. An unwanted but inescapable self-identification. I carried it with me everywhere, like a giant anvil. It goes with me in every situation. A third wheel in every interaction and relationship. From when I was young, I was always told that you turn the other cheek, ignore the bullies and they’ll go away. Find somewhere safe to run and hide and someone will protect you whenever you’re in trouble. Parents, Police, anyone whose job it was to be strong. And that’s exactly what I always did. Courage, I was told, just wasn’t necessary for me.

 

That’s not an option now though. There won’t be anyone coming to save me this time.

 

I knew I’d have to face him eventually, but I kept running. I couldn’t give up on the hope that there might just be somewhere I could hide, however unlikely that would be. There was no-one around. Everything was closed. As I ran, my eyes kept searching for an opening in the urban maze. I could feel the energy draining from me. Terror of what would happen when he caught me was the only thing keeping me running now.

 

As I took another corner around another unknowable street, I chanced a glance behind me. He was closer now. Even with that split second look, I could see the violence in his face. I’m sure he could see the fear in mine. Despite the darkness, only broken slightly by the dim, yellow light of the faded streetlights, I could see him clearly. The time is getting closer. Another wave of panic.

 

Did he come out looking for someone like me tonight? Whenever I go out, and I try not to stand out, I always put on the loosest clothes I have. Everything baggy, nondescript, dark colours. Anything that will break my outline and darken my face. Help me become part of the background.

 

I ran across another empty road trying to figure out where I was. When he first decided that I’d be the small guy he’d fight tonight, the panic was so sudden that I just ran, it didn’t matter which direction. Nothing looked familiar now. I kept looking around for something with any familiarity that could provide any kind of refuge. Then I saw a large concrete building which I recognised as my old university building. Why didn’t I notice that before? I knew that I was late and couldn’t see any lights on. Obviously, no classes would be happening now but maybe there would be a night watchman? It was my only hope. Maybe someone could protect me after all. I turned in the direction of the building. My tormentor was shouting something I couldn’t make out, but the intent in his words were all I needed to know.

 

Why, did he feel he had the right to impose this on me? As I ran towards the building, amongst the fog of panic and fear another feeling began to emerge. Anger. Why did he think he could so easily dominate me? Like I was his possession.

 

The building was getting closer. I could see a light on in the main entrance way, so I changed direction and headed towards it. As I pushed, the glass doors opened and I rushed inside, slamming it behind me but in an instant, he was inside with me.

 

As he stood in front of me, I could feel the heaviness in the air around me, smell the sweat and the alcohol coming from him as he breathed his hard, violent breaths. And as he advanced, I knew there was no escape. There would be no protector coming to save me this time.

 

Looking back on it now, I see it almost as a test. Myself on trial. When all other options fade away, you only have yourself to rely on. I got to see the answer to the question I always put off asking; “Am I strong enough”. I learnt that when no-one is coming to help you and when escape is impossible, there are some moments where you just have to close your eyes and swing.